Saturday, September 17, 2011

Crossdressing and Marriage

Before my wife and I married 30 years ago, I decided it wasn't necessary to tell her about my crossdressing past because now that we were getting married, I wasn't going to want to crossdress any more and it was an unimportant detail.  I may have really believed that or I may have convinced myself that was true because I really wanted to be with my wife and knew she wouldn't react positively.

The need to crossdress came back, of course.  I eventually told my wife about my crossdressing (though in an indirect and not very honest way).  She was initially somewhat accepting.  I was thrilled and incredibly relieved.  However, I pushed things too quickly, dressed up too much and didn't think about her feelings enough.  For many reasons, my crossdressing became a problem in our marriage.

These days, I seldom crossdress (due mostly to lack of opportunity - I can count on one hand the number of times I've been alone in the house during the last six months).  We don't talk about my crossdressing but my wife knows I'm interested and knows I like to visit cd sites.  She also knows I would love to go out but she's very opposed to that.

I've lied to my wife about crossdressing.  I've lied when she's asked me if I've dressed while she was out.  I've also lied several times about going out.  My rationale is that it's a pretty minor thing and I don't want to get into a big fight about my wanting to crossdress.  It's a way of agreeing to disagree.

From her standpoint, because I've lied, she can't trust me.  If I try to see things from her point of view, I understand her point.  She feels that my lying about going out or dressing is worse than the actual crossdressing.

As with most families, we have a lot going on in our lives and many challenges.  I just don't want to add another fight by having to talk about crossdressing.  At this point, there are so many other issues involved with my crossdressing that it's become almost impossible to talk about crossdressing as an isolated issue.   If I thought there was a chance we could have a discussion that wasn't doomed to end in huge fight, I think we could try, but it never goes like that.  She keeps saying she wants to talk about it, but it's the same argument.  We both feel like we're giving as much as we can and can't understand why the other person can't bend a little bit.

I occasionally read about a crossdresser's wife who's genuinely supportive and understanding but I think that's very rare.  Even in very good situations, it seems that a wife will put up with crossdressing but try to avoid knowing much about her husband's crossdressing or seeing her husband en femme.

I think my situation is more typical. 

I realize I've caused many problem by not being honest.  At this point, I don't know that being honest going forward will really help.  Not talking about it defers fights but we'll probably have to deal with our issues at some point. 

I know my wife has a much lower opinion of me because of my lying.  I resent her because she doesn't seem willing to compromise.  I'm not sure what we're going to do but I'm not hopeful.


  1. This sounds so much like my own marriage...are you sure you're not my long-lost twin or something?

  2. Dani, I'm sorry to hear we share similar experiences. In one of Meg's posts, one of Meg's visitors mentions that she has an understanding wife. Meg responds with "Yay for understanding wives. Everyone needs one." I couldn't agree more.

  3. It's so difficult for some women to handle this stuff. It's almost as if they see the crossdressing as a kind of insult or abandonment. This is a pity because it should mean you really admire women - and most of all that you don't need any other.

  4. My husband only likes to crossdress in lingerie while having sex, It does bother me but I try not to read into it too much. Mostly because I think he is selfish because I am willing to do things he likes but he is not willing to do the same for me. Does anyone have any advice?

  5. Cross dressing is definitely a compulsion. Regardless of the reasons why, we who do this are not able to just stop. I married a woman with two kids and although I had dressed a bit before I also thought if I married it would go away. In my case my femme compulsion was too strong. I initially started wearing her clothes. She had a hard time with it and started seeing an old boyfriend. She told me about it and I told her it was OK with me if she wanted to have a sexual relationship. After this she became more accepting of my dressing and now actually encourages it. She knows that if she needs some more masculine attention I am fine with that (although she doesn't have a boyfriend now) and she is alright with me expressing my femininity. One thing, though, we did temper things until the kids were grown as it was hard to hide too much dressing or cuckoldry from them. I'd recommend cooling it all around as long as kids are involved and then seeing if an agreement can be reached.