Before my wife and I married 30 years ago, I decided it wasn't necessary to tell her about my crossdressing past because now that we were getting married, I wasn't going to want to crossdress any more and it was an unimportant detail. I may have really believed that or I may have convinced myself that was true because I really wanted to be with my wife and knew she wouldn't react positively.
The need to crossdress came back, of course. I eventually told my wife about my crossdressing (though in an indirect and not very honest way). She was initially somewhat accepting. I was thrilled and incredibly relieved. However, I pushed things too quickly, dressed up too much and didn't think about her feelings enough. For many reasons, my crossdressing became a problem in our marriage.
These days, I seldom crossdress (due mostly to lack of opportunity - I can count on one hand the number of times I've been alone in the house during the last six months). We don't talk about my crossdressing but my wife knows I'm interested and knows I like to visit cd sites. She also knows I would love to go out but she's very opposed to that.
I've lied to my wife about crossdressing. I've lied when she's asked me if I've dressed while she was out. I've also lied several times about going out. My rationale is that it's a pretty minor thing and I don't want to get into a big fight about my wanting to crossdress. It's a way of agreeing to disagree.
From her standpoint, because I've lied, she can't trust me. If I try to see things from her point of view, I understand her point. She feels that my lying about going out or dressing is worse than the actual crossdressing.
As with most families, we have a lot going on in our lives and many challenges. I just don't want to add another fight by having to talk about crossdressing. At this point, there are so many other issues involved with my crossdressing that it's become almost impossible to talk about crossdressing as an isolated issue. If I thought there was a chance we could have a discussion that wasn't doomed to end in huge fight, I think we could try, but it never goes like that. She keeps saying she wants to talk about it, but it's the same argument. We both feel like we're giving as much as we can and can't understand why the other person can't bend a little bit.
I occasionally read about a crossdresser's wife who's genuinely supportive and understanding but I think that's very rare. Even in very good situations, it seems that a wife will put up with crossdressing but try to avoid knowing much about her husband's crossdressing or seeing her husband en femme.
I think my situation is more typical.
I realize I've caused many problem by not being honest. At this point, I don't know that being honest going forward will really help. Not talking about it defers fights but we'll probably have to deal with our issues at some point.
I know my wife has a much lower opinion of me because of my lying. I resent her because she doesn't seem willing to compromise. I'm not sure what we're going to do but I'm not hopeful.