Monday, December 19, 2011

Letting her down gently - link to Large Blooming Flower

Jenny had a terrific post recently at Large Blooming Flower. 

Jenny starts her post with 'A little while ago, I found myself in a tricky situation. I came out to someone in my social circle, and after the usual chat about what it all means, she revealed that her boyfriend used to crossdress. "But he's given it all up now we're together, I'd have left him otherwise".'

I really admire the brave and true way she talked with her friend about her boyfriend. 

I always enjoy Jenny's blog and found this post especially good.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Christian Louboutin on why his shoes are so popular with women

Christina Louboutin makes incredibly beautiful, incredibly expensive women's shoes.  I recently saw a selection of Louboutin shoes advertised where the least expensive pair was $595.  In any kind of a practical frame of mind, it seems silly, maybe wrong, to spend that much money on a pair of shoes.  However, just from a fantasy, fashion as art viewpoint, his shoes are gorgeous.  It doesn't hurt the fantasy that many of the women shown wearing Louboutins are stunning (and would be, even if they were wearing mukluks).

I just saw an article from the Daily Mail about Louboutin in which he explains why he thinks his shoes are so popular.  At one point, in the article The designer recounted a meeting with a French academic to The Sunday Times: 'She said that what is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms.'

I've heard this theory before.  It may have some validity but I don't think so.  I think it has more to do with the idea that no matter how thin, thick, old, young, confident, shy or whatever, a beautiful shoe looks beautiful and helps a woman feel beautiful.  You don't have to lose weight or have Botox to buy and wear beautiful shoes. 

High heels were the first items of female attire I wore.  There was something wonderful about seeing myself in heels, right from the start.  I still get a special feeling when I wear heels.

It's a silly but kind of a fun article.  Maybe Louboutin actually believes this stuff and maybe he's just having fun. 

I also enjoyed the reader comments.  Good way to bring the whole discussion back down to earth.  Some of my favorites:

"The designer recounted a meeting with a French academic to The Sunday Times: 'She said that what is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms." Christian, darling... she LIED!

My feet don't hurt when I have an orgasm

Thank God orgasms are free! Who can afford Louboutin's in this economy?!?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Cheryl Scott

In the spirit of the Femulate Her feature on Stana's blog,   here's a video of a photo session of Cheryl Scott, a TV (no, the other kind) meteorologist.  It's a fun shoot and the she looks terrific.  I'd love to look like this, if even for a day.

Cheryl Scott photographed by Andy Armstrong

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Crossdressing and Marriage

Before my wife and I married 30 years ago, I decided it wasn't necessary to tell her about my crossdressing past because now that we were getting married, I wasn't going to want to crossdress any more and it was an unimportant detail.  I may have really believed that or I may have convinced myself that was true because I really wanted to be with my wife and knew she wouldn't react positively.

The need to crossdress came back, of course.  I eventually told my wife about my crossdressing (though in an indirect and not very honest way).  She was initially somewhat accepting.  I was thrilled and incredibly relieved.  However, I pushed things too quickly, dressed up too much and didn't think about her feelings enough.  For many reasons, my crossdressing became a problem in our marriage.

These days, I seldom crossdress (due mostly to lack of opportunity - I can count on one hand the number of times I've been alone in the house during the last six months).  We don't talk about my crossdressing but my wife knows I'm interested and knows I like to visit cd sites.  She also knows I would love to go out but she's very opposed to that.

I've lied to my wife about crossdressing.  I've lied when she's asked me if I've dressed while she was out.  I've also lied several times about going out.  My rationale is that it's a pretty minor thing and I don't want to get into a big fight about my wanting to crossdress.  It's a way of agreeing to disagree.

From her standpoint, because I've lied, she can't trust me.  If I try to see things from her point of view, I understand her point.  She feels that my lying about going out or dressing is worse than the actual crossdressing.

As with most families, we have a lot going on in our lives and many challenges.  I just don't want to add another fight by having to talk about crossdressing.  At this point, there are so many other issues involved with my crossdressing that it's become almost impossible to talk about crossdressing as an isolated issue.   If I thought there was a chance we could have a discussion that wasn't doomed to end in huge fight, I think we could try, but it never goes like that.  She keeps saying she wants to talk about it, but it's the same argument.  We both feel like we're giving as much as we can and can't understand why the other person can't bend a little bit.

I occasionally read about a crossdresser's wife who's genuinely supportive and understanding but I think that's very rare.  Even in very good situations, it seems that a wife will put up with crossdressing but try to avoid knowing much about her husband's crossdressing or seeing her husband en femme.

I think my situation is more typical. 

I realize I've caused many problem by not being honest.  At this point, I don't know that being honest going forward will really help.  Not talking about it defers fights but we'll probably have to deal with our issues at some point. 

I know my wife has a much lower opinion of me because of my lying.  I resent her because she doesn't seem willing to compromise.  I'm not sure what we're going to do but I'm not hopeful.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Plain Jane

The other night I saw a rerun of "Plain Jane" a television show that originally ran last summer.  Host Louise Roe helps a young woman transform from a "plain jane" into a confident, well dressed, beautiful woman.  The show makes a token effort at being about inner transformation and empowerment (yeah, I know that word is so 2002) but it's really about the clothes, hair and makeup.  It's a very silly show and, despite its attempts to depict inner growth through self-esteem exercises like swimming with sharks (I told you it was silly) and mixed martial arts training, it's still all about the glamour ("u" included because Louise Roe is British, as every perfect fairy godmother should be).

Louise helps a girl who's kind of drab and plain in her ordinary life transform into someone different.  She takes the girl to chic boutiques and the best makeup and hair artists.  Suddenly, the plain jane becomes a beautiful, well dressed woman.  Her true self was always there, just waiting to be revealed.  The shows ends with a blind date in a romantic setting with the man that "the jane" has a secret crush on.  The man only knows the girl as a plain jane, is surprised to see her transformed and is enchanted with the new girl.  Of course, he reveals that he always liked her even when she wasn't glamourous, but now that she has gorgeous hair and makeup, stylish clothes and red high heels, well, he likes her even more.   I don't think I've spoiled anything by telling you the ending.

I've only seen a couple of the shows but it's pretty clear that on top of everything else, the producers have gamed the results.  The plain janes, even in their frumpy jeans and rumpled flannel shirts, are still very cute in an understated kind of geeky way.  It would be interesting to see a transformation of someone who was a little older, a little heavier, someone who's beautiful in her own way without fitting into the narrow definition of television beauty, but that's not this show.

So I know it's silly, reinforces sexual stereotypes, is about as subtle as a Transformers movie and tries to have it both ways with its Oprahesque asides.  Still, I really like it.  For me, it's a perfect guilty pleasure.  Of course, I'm sure my enjoyment of the show has nothing to do with the transformation fantasy that one or two other crossdressers might also share.

Review from the New York Times last summer that I think captures the spirit of the show very well.

Link to one of the shows ("Wallflower Jane") on the CW website.   Visits to shops and Lorelai's transformation starts around 20:00. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Holland Fotostudio

Great post on Stana's blog about Holland Fotostudio.  They do amazing transformations. 

As Stana points out, only two small reasons not to book an appointment tomorrow

"Their studio is in The Netherlands (in a suburb of Rotterdam) and their basic makeover and photo shoot costs $566 (in US dollars)." 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

One and Only Paris Photography

One of the joys of the Net is stumbling on sites that delight you.  I'm not sure how I found this one.  It's the blog for one and only paris photography

The authors of the site say "Photographers in Paris have it made. Couples look great wrapped in the world’s most romantic city. We’re an American/French couple who are engagement and wedding photographers in Paris. This blog is meant to show our latest work."

The photography is gorgeous.  Paris is so amazing even someone like me could take good pictures but combine Paris with beautiful young couples and talented photographers, well, the results are stunning.

Despite growing up on the south side of Chicago and being very practical in almost all areas of my life, I'm very much a closet romantic and dreamer.  Pictures don't get much more romantic than this.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


LisaJohanna is a great looking 27 year old crossdresser from London.  I think I first saw her picture on the Passable Girl blog.  I've also included her in one of my previous posts.

She has a lot of great pictures at her Flickr site.  She's very pretty.

I'm not sure how I stumbled on to her blog, but I'm very glad I did.  Besides being a great looking girl, she's also thoughtful and funny.  Both her Flickr site and her blog are well worth checking out.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


The other day my wife visited her mother with our 11 year old daughter, my wife's sister and her sister's 13 year old nephew.  My wife and daughter didn't get home until well after 10:30, past my bedtime.

The next day, I finally caught up with my wife and asked how their visit was.  My mother-in-law lives in a condo development with a nice pool.  Everyone swam for a while, had dinner then hung out with my mother-in-law while she packed for a trip.

My wife told me that our nephew Michael started playing around, putting on his grandmother's clothes and high heels.  Michael's mother laughed a little nervously and told my wife she could never tell her husband about this, he would just go crazy.  Michael is a gentle young man, not effeminate but gentle and many of his friends are girls.  His dad isn't a super macho guy but he would be very unhappy to know about Michael dressing up, even for a lark.

My wife said Michael really seemed to enjoy dressing up.  He played around with feminine gestures and was quite good in his feminine imitation.  My sister-in-law whispered to my wife, "Maybe he'll be a transvestite when he grows up."  My wife smiled and said, "I think they call themselves crossdressers.  And maybe he won't wait until he grows up."   My wife said all of this in a joking manner but there may have been a bit of truth in what she said.

My wife knows that I enjoy crossdressing.  Of course, she probably would have told me the story anyway, but knowing that I like to dress made the story even more interesting.

I don't think my nephew is a crossdresser, but who can really know?  His mother is tiny and he's an only child, so unlike me at that age, he doesn't have a chance to experiment with his mother's or sister's clothes and shoes.  This may have been an opportunity for him to dress that he doesn't often have.. 

When I was about 11, my younger sister and I played around one day and dressed me in her blue dress and my mother's blue pumps.  It was wonderful.  I had to pretend not to like it and just treat it as a joke, but it felt great and I thought I looked so cute.  Even at 11, the heels did great things for my legs.  We went to where my mom was cooking so she could see what I looked like.  She laughed a little and said I looked pretty.

It was such fun to dress up.  I had played around a little, secretly, of course, but no one had seen me dressed as a girl.  I know now that although I knew to keep my desire to dress a secret, there was something great about having other people see me dressed as a girl.  Maybe it was part of my unknown desire to show others a side of me that I wish I could let out.  I enjoyed that day very much and, as you can tell, still have very fond memories of that day.

I wonder if our nephew had a similar experience the other evening, enjoying the feeling of dressing up and also enjoying the feeling of being able to show his secret side a little bit.

Or maybe it was nothing, just a little bit of fun.  I'm fine with it either way.  It did make my wife and me wonder a little.

I told my wife that if he is a crossdresser, maybe things will be a little easier for him than it was for me when I was growing up.  My wife, who does not like my crossdressing, smiled with clenched teeth and said, "Well, you can think that if you want, but I don't agree with you."

If Michael does crossdress, I do hope things are easier for him.  Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but I hope that young crossdressers find things a little easier than people my age did.  I hope they understand that they're not the only ones who feel the way they do and know that they shouldn't feel guilty or set apart from other people.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Man in the Gray Flannel Skirt

I just finished reading The Man in the Gray Flannel Skirt, a memoir by Jon-Jon Goulian.  Goulian is a man in his early 40s who has been dressing in a girlish / androgynous fashion since his late teens.  He dresses this way because he likes the way he looks.  He emphasizes that he is not a crossdresser  "Stockings, wigs, pancake makeup and whatever else cross-dressers do that I don’t do — keep it away from me,” he declares.

So he's not a crossdresser.  Well, not as he defines it.  Still, a book published by a mainstream press about a guy who dresses in women's clothes.  Sounded like something worth reading.

I'm not sure what I was expecting.  From what I had read about Goulian. I was ready to dislike him.  He was born into a privileged life, growing up in La Jolla, California, his mother a successful lawyer, his father a doctor.  He went to Columbia then spent three years in law school, after which he decided he didn't want to be a lawyer.  His parents, while admittedly puzzled and worried about his future, seem loving and accepting of his trying to figure out who he is.  It just seemed that he had been given every opportunity, opportunities millions would kill for and had done nothing with those opportunities.

Then I found out that he was given an advance of more than $700,000 for this book.  I gather from bits and pieces I've seen on the Net that he's a minor celebrity and makes the rounds at parties in New York, but $700,000 is a lot of money for an unknown author.   I was really ready to dislike him.

After reading the book, I don't dislike him.  I feel sorry for him.  While there are parts of the book that are amusing and well-written, what comes through is a person who is afraid of almost everything, someone who's lived a life with little challenge or achievement.

I knew early on that this wasn't going to be memoir that explored why he (and we) crossdress, the special feelings that dressing give us and the complicated relationship many of us have with our need to dress. 

The whole dressing up thing seems to have just happened.  When he was 16, Goulian did relatively poorly on an achievement test.  This failure, added to the pressures of being the youngest member of a high achieving fashion, seemed to cause him to decide to stop trying, in all areas of his life.  One way he manifested this was to start dressing in girls' clothing.  He didn't try to look like a girl, but just wore the clothes because he thought they made him look pretty.

He didn't wear his feminine clothing in secret.  He wore his tank tops and stirrup pants and Ugg boots to school, sometimes adding a little lipstick.

Now I would have expected more about his friends' reaction to this change, but he doesn't dwell on that.  His friends are confused and puzzled by his behavior (including his decision to stop playing soccer after 10 years of being one of the stars of his team), but they don't shun him.  Or if they do, Goulian doesn't mention it.  The attitudes of his friends seem to be "you're pretty weird, dude, but whatever" 

He seems very brave in some ways, determined to be himself.  In other ways, he seems determined to sabotage his chances to succeed in any of the usual ways that would have been recognized by his family. 

There's lots more, some of it funny, most of it sad.  I think I would have liked this book better if I read it in small chunks.  The stories in bits and pieces are amusing but after a while, you just want the guy to grow up and take responsibility for himself.  His inability to deal with growing up is exemplified by his name - a man in his 40s who calls himself "Jon-Jon"

After I read the book, I read a review  (New York Times review of The Man in the Gray Flannel Skirt) that's much better than this one and hits the nail on the head "Mr.Goulian has written a talky book with a terrier yap, one that reads like a skittish celebrity memoir with no celebrity attached. It’s a shallow, callow thing. If you dropped a penny into its well, you’d hear it click and rattle at the bottom."

So why read the book or write about it?  I'm glad I read the book.  I'd have been curious to know what I was missing if I hadn't.  It's not about crossdressing; that's a small part of it.  I think Goulian wants us to think it's about carving out your own path.  I felt it was more the story of someone who has been living with low level depression for most of his life and is seeking to be exciting, different and entertaining as a way of dealing with that.  He's an artist who doesn't seem to have the discipline to actually make art.

Reading the book and thinking about it also gives me another opportunity to reflect about how I feel about my crossdressing. 

One of the joys of crossdressing is giving myself permission to try to look pretty, to be different, to give myself over to feelings that I usually keep bottled up.  I should sympathize with Goulian's different but related feelings.  However, I found myself, at least initially, feeling like he was just too flamboyant, too interested in drawing attention to himself.

Yep, I know that feeling that way is inconsistent with my belief that society should accept and embrace our differences and that the way we decide to dress and act and be should be up to us.  Feeling that way about Jon-Jon Goulian is a lot like the way many "unsophisticated" people feel about people like me.

So, reading about Jon-Jon and examining my initial feelings about him was a good way to remember that I'm not all that accepting of diversity (especially when it doesn't fall within the apparently narrow bounds of what I consider diversity).  It also reminds me that people who don't know us don't necessarily hate us - they just don't know us.  They're not able to get past that initial reaction of "that person is weird and creepy"  Maybe they will get past that feeling at some point, but if I, who should be more sympathetic of people who are a little different, felt that way when reading about Goulian, get stuck, then maybe I need to be a bit more understanding of those who need a little more time to "get" us.

There are some funny bits and pieces but most of the good stuff can be found in reviews in places like the New York Times or NPR A Party Boy Reflects On Life, Lip Gloss   

It's not a bad book, there's just not as much there as I was hoping for.  Maybe that's how Jon-Jon Goulian's friends and family feel about him.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Rachel's Place

I was browsing the other day and came across a site I haven't seen for a long time.  It's Rachel's Place, a great resource and overall fun site.

One of my favorite parts of Rachel's site is the Cover Girls section.  Great pictures of some beautiful girls. 

So much more and very nicely laid out.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dry Spell

I haven't posted anything for a while.

I'm going through one of those "dry spell" periods.  That's not really an accurate term, but many of us go through a period where it just seems like the desire to dress isn't there and the whole thing feels kind of silly.

I'm not sure what sets this off.  I was at a wedding recently.  It was great to see all the pretty 20 and 30 something women in their beautiful dresses.   I was envious, as I often am when I see a beautiful woman in a beautiful outfit.

The next day was one of those times when I felt the whole dressing thing was just kind of foolish.  I've never been passable but in my 20s when I was slim, I looked at least presentable as a crossdresser.  Someone, who, with some effort, would not pass as a woman but at least would look like a decent enough crossdresser.  From a distance, I looked ok.

I don't think that's true, now.  I'm older and bigger and heavier. 

I think an important reason why I dress is it gives me the permission to try to make myself pretty.  As a guy, I feel self conscious if I try too hard to look good.  I know that sounds crazy but I've never been comfortable trying to stand out.  I like to fade into the background and watch what's going on rather than be the center of attention.

As Linda, I'm not a party girl, but I am less shy and more willing to experiment with the way I look.  I'm also willing to put in the effort to look pretty.  It's often so difficult to find more than a few minutes.  There are times when it's fun to put on a dress or shoes, but I just never have time to go all out.  Maybe that's just as well because the result would probably not be great.

There are these periods, like now, when it just feels kind of silly.  My crossdressing and my thinking about crossdressing have been difficult for my marriage.  I know my wife wishes it would all go away.  And I know that a part of my resents her for not being more understanding.  If I didn't crossdress or want to crossdress, things would be easier between us.

I've never thought I was a woman trapped in man's body.  I've fantasized occasionally about what it would be like to be a woman but have never had a desire to transition.  I'm a guy who sometimes enjoys his feminine side and who loves the way I feel in a pretty dress and cute shoes.

I'm not going to edit this post.  I'm just kind of dumping things out here, hoping it will help me make sense of my feelings.  

I've been through these dry spells before.  In some ways, they're not so bad as I obsess less about clothing and shoes.   And a dry spell can be ok if there's something exciting or interesting happening in other parts of my life, but that's not what's happening now.  Things are not awful they'rejust kind of blah.  I don't feel like I'm making progress towards any kind of goal.

Anyway, that's what's happening with me.  Maybe when (if) the sun ever comes out in Chicago, I'll feel a bit more enthusiastic about things in general.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


A quick review of shoes I like

Jessica Simpson Jessica
I saw these recently while browsing at DSW.  Very cute and I love the color.  At DSW, they're $59, kind of the top end for me when I buy women's shoes.  Now I do have a nice pair of red pumps already but I just like these so much.  DSW even had these in my size.  For some reason, I didn't buy them, but the DSW is not far and I may change my  mind.

Brian Atwood “Maniac” Metallic Leather Pumps

I subscribe to The Shoe Goddess.  It's a well done site and you get reports (and pictures) of cute shoes almost every day.  The blog's author has very good (and expensive) taste and on a dreary day, it's nice to get that e-mail.

I love these "Maniac" Metallic pumps.  Not really something for the office, but so pretty.  I saw a picture of the adorable Emma Roberts wearing these pumps  She would probably look good in Crocs, but she looks so cute in this picture.

Christian Louboutin Simple Patent Pumps 85

These pumps are so elegant and I love the color.

Brian Atwood “Power” Patent-Leather Pumps

Another great pair of red pumps.  They're gorgeous but at $570, I won't be buying a pair anytime soon.  The Shoe Goddess says

Power is right! Nothing says power like a woman in a sexy red pump, and this Brian Atwood “Power” Patent-Leather Pump is definitely sexy!
I do adore red pumps, but this pump in particular is impressive! The red is the perfect shade. I especially love the 5.5-inch shaped heel. But don’t worry—there is a hidden platform, so hopefully your tootsies won’t hurt!
This is another one of those shoes that you can wear with anything! They will look fabulous with dresses, work attire or even casual outfits! Plus, the price is amazing!

I really like The Shoe Goddess site and I agree that the price is amazing.  We just have slightly different meanings of "amazing"

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Carly Foulkes And Amazing Pink Dresses

So, I totally stole the title of this post from the blog Style... the new black

Carly Foulkes is the cute, playful girl in the T-Mobile commercials.  Her character has a fun persona and she looks great in the vintage inspired pink and white dresses she wears in the commercials.  I've seen other pictures of her and she looks great in whatever she's wearing but the combination of the "T-Mobile girl" character and the amazing dresses has made her a favorite of mine (and many others).

I've also noticed a little thing she does in several of the commercials. The dresses are made to move with her beautifully and to swirl and flounce a bit when she walks, but I've noticed she also "puffs" the hem of her skirt just a little to get more bounce when she moves.  It's subtle but a lovely affect.

The link above goes to a post about Carly and these lovely dresses I would have loved to have written.  It would be fun to wear dresses like this (and even more fun to be able to carry it off in public :)  ). 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dixie Longate comes to town

Dixie Longate, super Tupperware party person, is in Chicago for 2 months of her stage show / Tupperware party. 

From the Chicago Sun-Times "Now you might think that’s a nostalgic blast from the past, but Longate, actor Kris Andersson’s drag persona, has made a career out of selling the plastic products first at home parties and since 2004 in the one-woman show “Dixie’s Tupperware Party.”

It sounds like good, silly fun. 

The article also mentions that "Men in drag successfully hawking Tupperware are a bit of phenomenon for the iconic company." and goes on to report that the in 2010, the top seller was Dee W. Ieye (a k a Kevin Farrell).

In this economy, you can always use some extra cash.  I wonder if people would come to a Linda Tupperware Party.

Sun-Times article about Dixie Longate

Q&A with Dixie

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Doctor has great legs

I occasionally have a chance to watch Dr. Who (I'm old enough to remember the Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker years... maybe I shouldn't admit that).   The series restarted around 2005.  It's a fun, goofy well done show.  I'm never entirely sure what's going on, but that's part of the fun.

David Tennant did a great job as the 10th Doctor.  Here's a video of his visit to the Friday Night Project where he plays a slightly different role.  He's obviously an extremely versatile actor and has great legs, too.
Friday Night Project - David Tennant

Friday, February 25, 2011

Bar Stools and High Heels

It's been such a long time since I've been at a club with my girlfriends as Linda.  Too, too long.

One of the small things I love about being out with my friends as Linda is when I'm at a club and sitting at a barstool and I put my heels down on the slat of the bar stool.  I know, I know, it's so silly, but sitting on the barstool with my heels holding on to the slats of the stool is just great.

There are so many things I love about being a girl. 

Sneaking Out

I've been crossdressing off and on since I was about 13.  I tried on high heels a few times before that (wonderful!) but I would say my semi-regular crossdressing started when I was about 13.

I'd mostly wait until everyone was out of the house, then get my mother's high heels and my sister's dresses.  My sister was a year younger than me but a little overweight and her clothes fit me very well (in my fantasies, I would think I looked cuter than her in her clothes).  My mother's heels fit me so perfectly, it was almost as if I was meant to wear them..

Once in a while, during Christmas and summer vacations, I would get up in the middle of the night and go into our basement.  It was "finished" but nothing fancy.  A place where you could watch television and relax.  I would prepare for these nights by sneaking a pair of my mother's high heels and my sister's dresses or skits into the basement so they would be ready for me.

I'd dress up and just lounge around in the basement.  Rarely, someone would wake up and call down to see what was going on.  However, I just told them I couldn't sleep and was watching TV.  No one ever came down.  I'm sure they couldn't imagine what I was doing.

It was wonderful to dress up.  I matured late so even when I was 16 or 17, I was slim and my legs looked wonderfully girlish.  I loved putting on a dress and heels.

One night during Christmas vacation when I was 17, I wondered what it would be like to go out walking en femme.  The practical side of me said that was crazy.  How could I sneak out of the house?  What if someone came into the basement while I was out and then discovered me dressed when I came home?  It made no sense.

But I was drawn to go out.  By the time I was 17, I wondered what it would be like to be seen as a girl.  In my fantasies, I would be seen as a pretty girl.

Then, one night, I decided I would go for a short walk.  I was terrified that someone would come into the basement while I was gone and I'd be discovered.  But the terror was overridden by the excitement, the need to go out.

So, I took the basement back door key.  At least, I wouldn't be locked out.  I was wearing my sister's minidress, which was even more mini on me, but this was the early 70s and you could wear really short dresses.  I wore my mother's wonderful white high heels from Saks Fifth Avenue.  I loved the way they felt and looked and loved the way the white heel ended in a cute black rubber tip.  Then I put on my sister's winter coat, just long enough to cover my dress.

I hesitated at the door.  For several minutes, I hesitated.  Then, feeling like I was jumping off a cliff, I went out.

It was terrifying.  And wonderful!  I loved to hear the click-click-click of my heels on the sidewalk.  I loved to watch the shadows I made and the girlish silhouette the streetlights made.

That first time, I barely made it to the corner.  Terrified and excited and thrilled all at the same time.  I was probably out for a minute or less.

I came back in.  No one had come into the basement or even woke up.

It was so good.  So exciting.  I loved the feeling of being out.

From there, I did more outings on different nights.  First, out to the corner.  then around the block.

Terrifying, thrilling.  Mostly thrillling.Wondering what would happen if I was caught.  The good boy, the one who always did his best, who listened, who obeyed.  Now, I was transgressing.  Wonderful and scary.  Loving the way I felt, loving the way my heels sounded.  So good.

I kept pushing the envelope.  I mostly walked around our darkened, deserted neighborhood.

One night, I felt especially bold and walked down the "busy street".  I walked with traffic so that if there were any drivers, they would see my feminine legs and pretty heels and not suspect I was a boy in a dress and heels.

It was so scary.  And so wonderful.

I only walked on the "busy street" for a block.  At one point, a cab slowed down, the driver gesturing to me, wondering if I needed a ride.  I shook my head "no".  I still wonder - what would have happened if I got in the cab.

This all happened so long ago.  40 years ago.  But I still remember and am thrilled by the experience.  It was so foolish, so risky, but so exciting.

Would I have reacted differently if I was 17 today, with all the support and information on the net, knowing that I wasn't the only one who felt this way, who needed to dress, who wanted people to see the real me?

Cute new skirt

I actually have a few minutes to dress tonight.  I'm wearing a new black top with a lacy back, a faux leather miniskirt, brand new clingy hose and my favorite pair of black patent leather pumps.  I'm feeling so cute.

It's so rare that I have the house to myself and have the chance to dress up.  It's wonderful.

I know my outfit is totally inappropriate for a woman my age, but one of the consolations of being a crossdresser is you can dress in a totally age inappropriate manner.

I love these times when I can be Linda.  I wish there were more.opportunities.

I recently became a follower of Felicia Katt.  She's a gorgeous girl and looks like she enjoys her life so much.  I have to admit I'm a bit jealous.  I don't know if I'd really like to be living her life, but it does look like fun.

Most of the time, I'm ok with being the closeted, seldom dressed Linda, but there are times when I just ache to be the party girl, to have adventures, to be totally selfish and hedonistic.

I once read a saying that said "you can do anything, but you can't do everything"  I understand, but....  I'm greedy and I want to do everything.  My family is too valuable for me to jeopardize it.  As much as I love being Linda, I love my family more.  If only there was a way to have just a little more Linda time.


Visited DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) over lunch today.

What a great shoe store.  They have a huge selection of shoes from high end pumps to cute sandals and flats.  I'm pretty sure they sell men's shoes, too.  Those are off in a corner somewhere.

There's another great thing about DSW.  They stock size 11 in about half of their women's shoe collection.   While I don't have dainty feet (I used to joke with a cd friend of mine about how lucky she was to take a size 9 women's shoe.  Almost every style is available in size 9.), I know I'm lucky that I generally take an 11.  Past 11, except for Payless, you're starting to look at mostly specialty shops.

I saw several pairs that I loved today.  I really love neutral / nude color patent pumps and want to buy at least one pair.  I loved the way they looked on the girls who wore them last summer and fall.  Unfortunately, in the styles I saw, they either didn't have my size or the ones in my size weren't quite what I was looking for.

I did see several styles of black patent leather pumps that I thought were just great.  I already have three pairs of black patent leather pumps plus a pair of black patent leather open toe slingbacks (so cute!) so while I was tempted, I took a pass.  Came very close to buying these cute Calvin Klein Olive pumps.  Yes, they're black patent leather pumps, but just a little different from the others I have.  I guess I could go back next week.

It was such fun browsing today.  I was planning to go to lunch a little early - I'm usually not too shy about looking at shoes but it is a little easier when it's less crowded.

Given time and opportunity, I think I could become a mini Imelda Marcos.  The practical side of me says that I really don't need too many shoes since I get to dress for 15 - 20 minutes maybe once a month.  The less practical side says "look at those cute, cute shoes..."

I think it would be such fun to go shoe shopping en femme either with another crossdresser or, perhaps even better, with a supportive genetic girl.  It's always been one of my fantasies.  Mild as fantasies go, but still very nice.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

In These Shoes?

I saw a video of Cee Lo Green performing "Forget You" at the Grammys with Gwyneth Paltrow (and the Muppets) Cee Lo Green at the Grammys.  It's a fun song (yes, I know this is the "PG" version) and I liked the completely over the top performance.  There have been many comments about Cee Lo's costume (supposedly a homage to Elton John) and the Muppets.  I thought Gwyneth Paltrow did a good job, too.

Perhaps the thing I was most impressed with was Ms. Paltrow's ability to sing and maneuver wearing those sky high heels.  Apparently, she's well known for being a high heel afficionado so she's had some practice, but those are some high heels.

Watching the performance, I was reminded of "In These Shoes?" by Kirsty  MacColl, another fun song (albeit a bit less well known these days then "Forget You").  In These Shoes - Kirsty MacColl

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Shoe Closet

So, she screwed up the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.  Look at that shoe collection Christina Aguilera Shoe Closet

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Chance To Dress

I had a chance to dress for a little while yesterday.  I almost didn't.  Everyone was out of the house somewhat unexpectedly.  I had errands to run and other things to do and I thought dressing for a half hour wouldn't be worth it.

I did decide to dress up and am so glad I did.  Long ago, I was a runner.  There were times when it was so difficult to get ready to run and get started but it was great once I started.  I can't say that's what this was like.  It was more overcoming the "what's the use" feeling that I get sometimes.

Mostly, getting dressed up was great.  I quickly had that relaxed, happy feeling that I almost always get when I dress.  My skirt was a little tight, a reminder that I've put on weight over the winter.  My guy slacks are very loose and have lots of "invisible stretch" so they hide a minor weight gain (yeah, I'm quite a stylish dresser as a guy).  My woman's clothing, while not form fitting by any means, do fit me better and aren't nearly so forgiving.   It was still really fun to dress up but it did remind me that my all carb winter diet may need a little moderation.

I do get s little frustrated with these short dressing sessions but, overall, they're a very nice time and I'm glad I took advantage of the time I had.  I'd love to go all out, full makeup and everything, and spend much more time as Linda.  I'd really enjoy getting the chance to go out and be with other girls like myself, something I haven't been able to do for such a long time.  Even so, I do enjoy these short sessions and am trying to appreciate these opportunities and not bemoan what I'm not able to do.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses

In 2002, the Atlantic published an article by Amy Bloom entitled "Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses" about crossdressers and their wives.

When I read the article at the time, I remember thinking that Amy Bloom was very critical of the crossdressers she profiled.  She uses the small sample of people she interacts with to portray crossdressers in general as very selfish men whose long suffering wives barely tolerate their obsession.   She writes about how the crossdressers she interviews are not at all interested in being feminine in the sense of those attributes she sees as truly representative of women.  A telling quote "here is no innate grasp of female friendship, of the female insistence on relatedness, of the female tradition of support and accommodation for one's partner and giving precedence to the relationship overall. If there were that kind of understanding, rather than shopping for accessories and watching tapes on how to walk in heels, these guys would be unable to ask their wives to go through this cross-dressing life with them—and everyone, husbands and wives, knows it."

I recently reread the article.  It's interesting to read a piece a long time after you first did, especially if you have a strong memory of it.

I still find Amy Bloom condescending and believe she generalizes way too much based on the group she interacts with.  Having said that, I was surprised to find that the article is more sympathetic than I remembered.  It does have interesting observations about how the crossdressers and wives she met have very "traditional" relationships in many ways and how the wives of these crossdressers have made many compromises and sacrifices to make their marriages work.  Something to keep in mind when we forget how selfish sometimes when concentrating too much on expressing ourselves.

Here's  a link to the article.  It's very long but a worthwhile read, not just for the observations made but also as a window into how a mildly sympathetic "civilian" views us.  The link also links to various responses from our community.  I'd be interested in your reaction.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Almost Perfect

I've just finished reading Almost Perfect, a young adult novel about Logan, a high school senior who becomes attracted to Sage, a pretty new girl at school.  Sage insists that they remain "just friends" but Logan wants to be more than that.  When they finally do kiss, Sage reveals why she has been reluctant to move beyond the friend stage.  She's transsexual and is biologically a boy.  Logan, a small town boy who's only dated one girl before Sage, is shocked and repulsed.  However, he comes to realize how much he cares for Sage.  There's much more but I don't want to give the plot away.

Both Sage and Logan are wonderful, likeable and flawed characters.  Although the story is told from Logan's point of view, we learn a lot of what Sage has experienced in trying to live as the woman she knows she is.

Almost Perfect recently won the 2011 Stonewall Children’s and Young Adult Literature Award. 
Now in it’s second year, the award is given annually to English-language children’s and young adult books of exceptional merit relating to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered experience.

“A young adult novel about a transgender girl—told from the perspective of the straight boy who falls for her—Almost Perfect is exceptional. The writing is sensitive, haunting and revelatory,” said Lisa Johnston, Stonewall Children’s and Young Adult Award committee chair, via a press release.

Almost Perfect is a excellent book, exploring the nature of friendship, prejudice, courage and gender.

Here's a link  to a story about Almost Perfect winning the Stonewall Award and another to an excellent review at Bibrary Bookslut.

Here's a different take on the book from Megan Honig.  Although I don't agree with Megan's review, it's very well done and presents a thought-provoking critique.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Lovely crossdressers

There are so many pretty crossdressers.  Here are a few pictures of girls I think look just great.


Yasmeen Wa

















Cristy has quite a few videos on YouTube.  I find Cristy lovely and charming:

Monday, January 24, 2011

Socks with High Heels

I think the socks with high heels look can be so cute.  I know I'm about 3 years behind the times here, but I just think this is such a cute look.

As I was looking for pictures to illustrate this post, I realized that although I like this look, the girls in these photos would probably look good in combat boots. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

More Shoes I like

More shoes I like

Yves St. Laurent slingbacks

Christian Louboutin

Mark Jacobs Wedge

YSL Platform Pump

Christian Louboutin Glitter Pump

Friday, January 21, 2011

JosieAlbum's Album

Link to JosieAlbum's Photobucket Page

Lots of fun photos, including pictures of Josie, pretty dresses and a few captions.

Is Hypnosis a Magic Pill?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about the mythical "magic pill" - the pill that could change you permanently or, even better, temporarily into a woman

I think it would be wonderful to feel like I had really transformed, at least for a little while.  I wouldn't want it to be permanent, but to be able to feel like I was really a woman, maybe for a day or two, is a wonderful fantasy.

I've been intrigued by hypnosis for a long time.  My uncle was an amateur hypnotist and hypnotized people at several parties he gave.  It was fun and funny but even then I wondered whether I could be hypnotized to feel like I had been transformed into a girl.

Starting sometime in my teens, occasionally when I would dress, I would employ the fantasy of having been hypnotized into having to crossdress.  I think this "forced" aspect is not unusual for crossdressers who feel guilty about their passion.  You can pretend that it's not you wanting to crossdress, but that you're having it imposed upon you. 

Apparently it's a fairly common fantasy.  I've seen many web sites that feature hypnotic feminization.  These sites generally come in two flavors:

the "forced" sites where the man is tricked into being hypnotized and turned unwittingly into a woman (these tend to be fairly explicit)

the "nicer" sites that purport to be about helping crossdressers and transsexuals to feel more feminine and adopt more feminine traits and gestures

The "nicer" sites (which aren't always all that nice) suggest that with training, under hypnosis, you can achieve a kind of alternate state where, while you're aware you're really still a man, you also experience your feminine side more fully (whatever that means).

I've played around with a few free self hypnosis mp3 files.  I find the idea intriguing and the part of me that fantasized years ago about being hypnotized and having to dress up still finds the idea exciting.  Of course, I don't think I've ever achieved a real trance state, but it was fun listening to the files and pretending.

Is it possible, with a trained hypnotist, to achieve a trance state where, for a while at least, you feel like you've become a young beautiful woman?  I doubt it, but it's a nice fantasy.

There's Something About Mary (Janes)

I may have mentioned once or fifty times that I love shoes.  It's nothing as sordid as a shoe fetish, of course.  It's just a sincere appreciation for cute shoes.

I love this pair from Cole Haan.  Stephanie Air Mary Jane  This is actually a link to Zappo's so there's even a short video description of these shoes.

Like many other crossdressers, I tend to get stuck a little bit loving the clothes and shoes that were in style when I first began to regularly crossdress.  For me, this was just before high school.  I remember going to high school dances (standing in the corner with the other shy boys), watching the girls dance with each other.  Mary Janes with small heels were very popular at that time.  There in the corner, I went through the common crossdresser train of thought - thinking how nice it would be to talk to and dance with a cute girl while at the same time being a little jealous of the cute clothes and shoes the girls were wearing.  That may have been where my appreciation of Mary Janes started.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Crossdressing and General Geekiness

The other day I entered a search term like "best science fiction stories" into Google.  One thing led to another and I wound up at site that had a science fiction story called The Fermi Paradox Is Our Business Model  Before I even read the story (pretty good, by the way), I noticed that the author, Charlie Jane Anders, seemed familiar.  Sure enough, it's the same Charlie Jane Anders who's the author of The Lazy Crossdresser  Here's a link to her site:

I'm not the first or even the thousandth person who's noticed there seem to be quite a few geeky people (software engineers, science fiction fans, electrical engineers, etc.) in the transgender community.  I think a lot of this is because transgendered people who are online have to have at least a working knowledge of computers to even get online and, being online ourselves, those are the people we tend to notice.  Especially for mostly closeted people like me.  I know there are many transgendered people who are not geeky and are not even online (how do they live???) but it does seem like there's a higher percentage of geeky people among crossdressers.

There's more I can say, but, as usual, I'm late for something already.

What do other people think about this?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

If a woman dresses up like a drag queen, is that crossdressing?

Link to a very silly post at Tom and Lorenzo's Fabulous and Opinionated blog.

This post shows contestants in the Miss Universe pageant in their "national costumes"  The women are gorgeous, the dresses are hilarious and the commentary snarky.

Here's a picture of Miss Curacao in her costume

If a real woman dresses like a drag queen, is that crossdressing?

Tom and Lorenzo Miss Universe pictures

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Breakfast Anytime

The comedian Steve Wright tells this joke:

“I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.”

I like this joke.  Now it probably doesn't have to do much with crossdressing, the role of fantasy in our lives, life satisfaction or even French Toast.  It does, maybe, very tenuously, tie in to something I've been thinking about lately.

One of the great, amazing things about the Internet has been finding out how many people like us are out there.  By us, I mean everyone on the so called continuum of gender identity from the very occasional crossdresser to true transsexuals.  

In addition to the intensity of the need to crossdress or otherwise express a feminine aspect of ourselves, there also seem to be many many individual reasons for why and how we crossdress.

There are many crossdressers who just enjoy the wonderful feeling that many of us are familiar with that comes from putting on some item of feminine attire.  Others may feel a personality transformation when they dress.  For others, dressing is tied up allowing feelings of submissiveness that are otherwise buried to come to the surface.  For many, crossdressing offers an escape from a stressful life period, a chance to lay down life's responsibilities, at least for a little while.  I know for me, dressing up also involves giving myself permission to look nice - as a boy and man, I've also felt uncomfortable and vain in trying too hard to look good.

Sometimes, when I dress, at least in my fantasies, I'm not just an attractive middle-aged woman.  I dream of being an attractive young woman in my 20s, well-dressed, outgoing and confident.  I think partly this is because like many crossdressers, I get stuck in an idealized image of what a woman should look like based on what I imagine women were like at an important time of my life.  I think that's why I also have fantasies of being a pretty, vivacious 16 year old.

It's funny that I seldom have fantasies about being a 20 something man.  My 20s weren't bad.  I miss certain aspects of being 25, including being in shape, being able to go my own way, not have a lot of responsibilities and not have a lot of the minor aches and pains I have to deal with.  I miss those times to some degree, but I don't fantasize about being a 25 year old man.

However, I do fantasize about being a 25 year old woman.  

One of the good deals about being a man as opposed to a woman is that despite some progress in equality of gender roles, it still seems easier for a man to age than it is for a woman.  Men are not encouraged to use "age defying" skin care products and there's much more of a blurring of what's age appropriate dress for men than for women.  Growing older for men (at least to a point) seems to be associated with increasing wisdom while for many women, growing older is associated with a loss of attractiveness and sexuality.  It's not right but it's a prevailing sentiment in society.  An example of how this works is the difficulty many actresses have in finding good roles after they turn 35, especially roles where they're considered attractive.  Compare this to actors, like Paul Newman and Robert Redford, who were still considered attractive and sexy into their 70s.

One of the feelings I get sometimes is of "time running out" for me to look ok when I crossdress.  Now, if I'm really honest with myself, time has already run out.  Even on my best days wearing my cutest clothes and having applied my makeup well (through some miracle), I'm going to look like a middle-aged guy in a dress.  Not much glamor there.

But the "time running out" feeling is exacerbated by the thought of being a late middle-aged, dowdy crossdresser.  While in some ways, a crossdresser in his 50s or 60s may have more success passing as a woman than one in his 20s (especially if he wears age appropriate clothing and makeup), I don't find the prospect of being a dowdy but passable crossdresser especially attractive.

So, how does any of this tie in to "Breakfast Anytime?"  I posted an entry a few weeks ago about magic pills in which I said I'd love a magic pill that would not only transform me into a woman temporarily but would also transform me into a young, beautiful woman.  As long as I'm having unrealistic fantasies, may as well have really good ones.  Not enough to have French Toast at 3:00 PM - I want to have my French Toast at 3:00 while being a gorgeous 25 year old in a pretty dress and cute pumps.

I think the crossdressers who are most satisfied with their lives are those who not only accept and celebrate the feminine aspect of themselves but also accept and celebrate their growing older.  I'm still working on that part.