Friday, February 25, 2011

Bar Stools and High Heels

It's been such a long time since I've been at a club with my girlfriends as Linda.  Too, too long.

One of the small things I love about being out with my friends as Linda is when I'm at a club and sitting at a barstool and I put my heels down on the slat of the bar stool.  I know, I know, it's so silly, but sitting on the barstool with my heels holding on to the slats of the stool is just great.

There are so many things I love about being a girl. 

Sneaking Out

I've been crossdressing off and on since I was about 13.  I tried on high heels a few times before that (wonderful!) but I would say my semi-regular crossdressing started when I was about 13.

I'd mostly wait until everyone was out of the house, then get my mother's high heels and my sister's dresses.  My sister was a year younger than me but a little overweight and her clothes fit me very well (in my fantasies, I would think I looked cuter than her in her clothes).  My mother's heels fit me so perfectly, it was almost as if I was meant to wear them..

Once in a while, during Christmas and summer vacations, I would get up in the middle of the night and go into our basement.  It was "finished" but nothing fancy.  A place where you could watch television and relax.  I would prepare for these nights by sneaking a pair of my mother's high heels and my sister's dresses or skits into the basement so they would be ready for me.

I'd dress up and just lounge around in the basement.  Rarely, someone would wake up and call down to see what was going on.  However, I just told them I couldn't sleep and was watching TV.  No one ever came down.  I'm sure they couldn't imagine what I was doing.

It was wonderful to dress up.  I matured late so even when I was 16 or 17, I was slim and my legs looked wonderfully girlish.  I loved putting on a dress and heels.

One night during Christmas vacation when I was 17, I wondered what it would be like to go out walking en femme.  The practical side of me said that was crazy.  How could I sneak out of the house?  What if someone came into the basement while I was out and then discovered me dressed when I came home?  It made no sense.

But I was drawn to go out.  By the time I was 17, I wondered what it would be like to be seen as a girl.  In my fantasies, I would be seen as a pretty girl.

Then, one night, I decided I would go for a short walk.  I was terrified that someone would come into the basement while I was gone and I'd be discovered.  But the terror was overridden by the excitement, the need to go out.

So, I took the basement back door key.  At least, I wouldn't be locked out.  I was wearing my sister's minidress, which was even more mini on me, but this was the early 70s and you could wear really short dresses.  I wore my mother's wonderful white high heels from Saks Fifth Avenue.  I loved the way they felt and looked and loved the way the white heel ended in a cute black rubber tip.  Then I put on my sister's winter coat, just long enough to cover my dress.

I hesitated at the door.  For several minutes, I hesitated.  Then, feeling like I was jumping off a cliff, I went out.

It was terrifying.  And wonderful!  I loved to hear the click-click-click of my heels on the sidewalk.  I loved to watch the shadows I made and the girlish silhouette the streetlights made.

That first time, I barely made it to the corner.  Terrified and excited and thrilled all at the same time.  I was probably out for a minute or less.

I came back in.  No one had come into the basement or even woke up.

It was so good.  So exciting.  I loved the feeling of being out.

From there, I did more outings on different nights.  First, out to the corner.  then around the block.

Terrifying, thrilling.  Mostly thrillling.Wondering what would happen if I was caught.  The good boy, the one who always did his best, who listened, who obeyed.  Now, I was transgressing.  Wonderful and scary.  Loving the way I felt, loving the way my heels sounded.  So good.

I kept pushing the envelope.  I mostly walked around our darkened, deserted neighborhood.

One night, I felt especially bold and walked down the "busy street".  I walked with traffic so that if there were any drivers, they would see my feminine legs and pretty heels and not suspect I was a boy in a dress and heels.

It was so scary.  And so wonderful.

I only walked on the "busy street" for a block.  At one point, a cab slowed down, the driver gesturing to me, wondering if I needed a ride.  I shook my head "no".  I still wonder - what would have happened if I got in the cab.

This all happened so long ago.  40 years ago.  But I still remember and am thrilled by the experience.  It was so foolish, so risky, but so exciting.

Would I have reacted differently if I was 17 today, with all the support and information on the net, knowing that I wasn't the only one who felt this way, who needed to dress, who wanted people to see the real me?

Cute new skirt

I actually have a few minutes to dress tonight.  I'm wearing a new black top with a lacy back, a faux leather miniskirt, brand new clingy hose and my favorite pair of black patent leather pumps.  I'm feeling so cute.

It's so rare that I have the house to myself and have the chance to dress up.  It's wonderful.

I know my outfit is totally inappropriate for a woman my age, but one of the consolations of being a crossdresser is you can dress in a totally age inappropriate manner.

I love these times when I can be Linda.  I wish there were more.opportunities.

I recently became a follower of Felicia Katt.  She's a gorgeous girl and looks like she enjoys her life so much.  I have to admit I'm a bit jealous.  I don't know if I'd really like to be living her life, but it does look like fun.

Most of the time, I'm ok with being the closeted, seldom dressed Linda, but there are times when I just ache to be the party girl, to have adventures, to be totally selfish and hedonistic.

I once read a saying that said "you can do anything, but you can't do everything"  I understand, but....  I'm greedy and I want to do everything.  My family is too valuable for me to jeopardize it.  As much as I love being Linda, I love my family more.  If only there was a way to have just a little more Linda time.


Visited DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) over lunch today.

What a great shoe store.  They have a huge selection of shoes from high end pumps to cute sandals and flats.  I'm pretty sure they sell men's shoes, too.  Those are off in a corner somewhere.

There's another great thing about DSW.  They stock size 11 in about half of their women's shoe collection.   While I don't have dainty feet (I used to joke with a cd friend of mine about how lucky she was to take a size 9 women's shoe.  Almost every style is available in size 9.), I know I'm lucky that I generally take an 11.  Past 11, except for Payless, you're starting to look at mostly specialty shops.

I saw several pairs that I loved today.  I really love neutral / nude color patent pumps and want to buy at least one pair.  I loved the way they looked on the girls who wore them last summer and fall.  Unfortunately, in the styles I saw, they either didn't have my size or the ones in my size weren't quite what I was looking for.

I did see several styles of black patent leather pumps that I thought were just great.  I already have three pairs of black patent leather pumps plus a pair of black patent leather open toe slingbacks (so cute!) so while I was tempted, I took a pass.  Came very close to buying these cute Calvin Klein Olive pumps.  Yes, they're black patent leather pumps, but just a little different from the others I have.  I guess I could go back next week.

It was such fun browsing today.  I was planning to go to lunch a little early - I'm usually not too shy about looking at shoes but it is a little easier when it's less crowded.

Given time and opportunity, I think I could become a mini Imelda Marcos.  The practical side of me says that I really don't need too many shoes since I get to dress for 15 - 20 minutes maybe once a month.  The less practical side says "look at those cute, cute shoes..."

I think it would be such fun to go shoe shopping en femme either with another crossdresser or, perhaps even better, with a supportive genetic girl.  It's always been one of my fantasies.  Mild as fantasies go, but still very nice.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

In These Shoes?

I saw a video of Cee Lo Green performing "Forget You" at the Grammys with Gwyneth Paltrow (and the Muppets) Cee Lo Green at the Grammys.  It's a fun song (yes, I know this is the "PG" version) and I liked the completely over the top performance.  There have been many comments about Cee Lo's costume (supposedly a homage to Elton John) and the Muppets.  I thought Gwyneth Paltrow did a good job, too.

Perhaps the thing I was most impressed with was Ms. Paltrow's ability to sing and maneuver wearing those sky high heels.  Apparently, she's well known for being a high heel afficionado so she's had some practice, but those are some high heels.

Watching the performance, I was reminded of "In These Shoes?" by Kirsty  MacColl, another fun song (albeit a bit less well known these days then "Forget You").  In These Shoes - Kirsty MacColl

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Shoe Closet

So, she screwed up the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.  Look at that shoe collection Christina Aguilera Shoe Closet

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Chance To Dress

I had a chance to dress for a little while yesterday.  I almost didn't.  Everyone was out of the house somewhat unexpectedly.  I had errands to run and other things to do and I thought dressing for a half hour wouldn't be worth it.

I did decide to dress up and am so glad I did.  Long ago, I was a runner.  There were times when it was so difficult to get ready to run and get started but it was great once I started.  I can't say that's what this was like.  It was more overcoming the "what's the use" feeling that I get sometimes.

Mostly, getting dressed up was great.  I quickly had that relaxed, happy feeling that I almost always get when I dress.  My skirt was a little tight, a reminder that I've put on weight over the winter.  My guy slacks are very loose and have lots of "invisible stretch" so they hide a minor weight gain (yeah, I'm quite a stylish dresser as a guy).  My woman's clothing, while not form fitting by any means, do fit me better and aren't nearly so forgiving.   It was still really fun to dress up but it did remind me that my all carb winter diet may need a little moderation.

I do get s little frustrated with these short dressing sessions but, overall, they're a very nice time and I'm glad I took advantage of the time I had.  I'd love to go all out, full makeup and everything, and spend much more time as Linda.  I'd really enjoy getting the chance to go out and be with other girls like myself, something I haven't been able to do for such a long time.  Even so, I do enjoy these short sessions and am trying to appreciate these opportunities and not bemoan what I'm not able to do.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses

In 2002, the Atlantic published an article by Amy Bloom entitled "Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses" about crossdressers and their wives.

When I read the article at the time, I remember thinking that Amy Bloom was very critical of the crossdressers she profiled.  She uses the small sample of people she interacts with to portray crossdressers in general as very selfish men whose long suffering wives barely tolerate their obsession.   She writes about how the crossdressers she interviews are not at all interested in being feminine in the sense of those attributes she sees as truly representative of women.  A telling quote "here is no innate grasp of female friendship, of the female insistence on relatedness, of the female tradition of support and accommodation for one's partner and giving precedence to the relationship overall. If there were that kind of understanding, rather than shopping for accessories and watching tapes on how to walk in heels, these guys would be unable to ask their wives to go through this cross-dressing life with them—and everyone, husbands and wives, knows it."

I recently reread the article.  It's interesting to read a piece a long time after you first did, especially if you have a strong memory of it.

I still find Amy Bloom condescending and believe she generalizes way too much based on the group she interacts with.  Having said that, I was surprised to find that the article is more sympathetic than I remembered.  It does have interesting observations about how the crossdressers and wives she met have very "traditional" relationships in many ways and how the wives of these crossdressers have made many compromises and sacrifices to make their marriages work.  Something to keep in mind when we forget how selfish sometimes when concentrating too much on expressing ourselves.

Here's  a link to the article.  It's very long but a worthwhile read, not just for the observations made but also as a window into how a mildly sympathetic "civilian" views us.  The link also links to various responses from our community.  I'd be interested in your reaction.