Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dry Spell

I haven't posted anything for a while.

I'm going through one of those "dry spell" periods.  That's not really an accurate term, but many of us go through a period where it just seems like the desire to dress isn't there and the whole thing feels kind of silly.

I'm not sure what sets this off.  I was at a wedding recently.  It was great to see all the pretty 20 and 30 something women in their beautiful dresses.   I was envious, as I often am when I see a beautiful woman in a beautiful outfit.

The next day was one of those times when I felt the whole dressing thing was just kind of foolish.  I've never been passable but in my 20s when I was slim, I looked at least presentable as a crossdresser.  Someone, who, with some effort, would not pass as a woman but at least would look like a decent enough crossdresser.  From a distance, I looked ok.

I don't think that's true, now.  I'm older and bigger and heavier. 

I think an important reason why I dress is it gives me the permission to try to make myself pretty.  As a guy, I feel self conscious if I try too hard to look good.  I know that sounds crazy but I've never been comfortable trying to stand out.  I like to fade into the background and watch what's going on rather than be the center of attention.

As Linda, I'm not a party girl, but I am less shy and more willing to experiment with the way I look.  I'm also willing to put in the effort to look pretty.  It's often so difficult to find more than a few minutes.  There are times when it's fun to put on a dress or shoes, but I just never have time to go all out.  Maybe that's just as well because the result would probably not be great.

There are these periods, like now, when it just feels kind of silly.  My crossdressing and my thinking about crossdressing have been difficult for my marriage.  I know my wife wishes it would all go away.  And I know that a part of my resents her for not being more understanding.  If I didn't crossdress or want to crossdress, things would be easier between us.

I've never thought I was a woman trapped in man's body.  I've fantasized occasionally about what it would be like to be a woman but have never had a desire to transition.  I'm a guy who sometimes enjoys his feminine side and who loves the way I feel in a pretty dress and cute shoes.

I'm not going to edit this post.  I'm just kind of dumping things out here, hoping it will help me make sense of my feelings.  

I've been through these dry spells before.  In some ways, they're not so bad as I obsess less about clothing and shoes.   And a dry spell can be ok if there's something exciting or interesting happening in other parts of my life, but that's not what's happening now.  Things are not awful they'rejust kind of blah.  I don't feel like I'm making progress towards any kind of goal.

Anyway, that's what's happening with me.  Maybe when (if) the sun ever comes out in Chicago, I'll feel a bit more enthusiastic about things in general.


  1. I know exactly what you mean! I feel the same way right now. Hope you're well. X

  2. Don't let your size be the thing that stops you. I thought it would keep me in just lingerie when I got back into dressing...but I discovered I could look good even at 200 lbs. It just takes knowing what a woman your size and age should be wearing...and occasionally letting your younger self show through when the need arises.

    I'd love to see more of you in dresses, Linda...maybe even a nice close-up (I'd like to show you what some judicious digital editing could do for you).


  3. Linda,
    Several parts of your post I could hav written myself. I am also going through a bit of a dry spell but I think it is the slow change of seasons from a long and nasty winter into a spring that just will never come.

    In the past few months I have been to two weddings where the bride played competitive volleyball. Both brides invited several of their volllyball playing girlfriends. Being around these tall and well dressed young ladies had the opposite effect on me...it made me over anxious to get dressed.

  4. Hi Linda,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    Your comments here are pretty much what I'm thinking too. You are what you are and wishing to be someone else will not help. Ditto looking back to what might have been and was not.

    It's hard balancing love for your spouse with the knowledge that your cross-dressing at some level is built in and not negotiable.

    By the way, you post reads well - sometimes the first draft is the best! (after dealing with typos, of course...) 8-)


  5. Interesting post, I can relate to the dry spells.