I haven't posted anything for a while.
I'm going through one of those "dry spell" periods. That's not really an accurate term, but many of us go through a period where it just seems like the desire to dress isn't there and the whole thing feels kind of silly.
I'm not sure what sets this off. I was at a wedding recently. It was great to see all the pretty 20 and 30 something women in their beautiful dresses. I was envious, as I often am when I see a beautiful woman in a beautiful outfit.
The next day was one of those times when I felt the whole dressing thing was just kind of foolish. I've never been passable but in my 20s when I was slim, I looked at least presentable as a crossdresser. Someone, who, with some effort, would not pass as a woman but at least would look like a decent enough crossdresser. From a distance, I looked ok.
I don't think that's true, now. I'm older and bigger and heavier.
I think an important reason why I dress is it gives me the permission to try to make myself pretty. As a guy, I feel self conscious if I try too hard to look good. I know that sounds crazy but I've never been comfortable trying to stand out. I like to fade into the background and watch what's going on rather than be the center of attention.
As Linda, I'm not a party girl, but I am less shy and more willing to experiment with the way I look. I'm also willing to put in the effort to look pretty. It's often so difficult to find more than a few minutes. There are times when it's fun to put on a dress or shoes, but I just never have time to go all out. Maybe that's just as well because the result would probably not be great.
There are these periods, like now, when it just feels kind of silly. My crossdressing and my thinking about crossdressing have been difficult for my marriage. I know my wife wishes it would all go away. And I know that a part of my resents her for not being more understanding. If I didn't crossdress or want to crossdress, things would be easier between us.
I've never thought I was a woman trapped in man's body. I've fantasized occasionally about what it would be like to be a woman but have never had a desire to transition. I'm a guy who sometimes enjoys his feminine side and who loves the way I feel in a pretty dress and cute shoes.
I'm not going to edit this post. I'm just kind of dumping things out here, hoping it will help me make sense of my feelings.
I've been through these dry spells before. In some ways, they're not so bad as I obsess less about clothing and shoes. And a dry spell can be ok if there's something exciting or interesting happening in other parts of my life, but that's not what's happening now. Things are not awful they'rejust kind of blah. I don't feel like I'm making progress towards any kind of goal.
Anyway, that's what's happening with me. Maybe when (if) the sun ever comes out in Chicago, I'll feel a bit more enthusiastic about things in general.